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It can be challenging to know what to do if you have a partner with anxiety. Understanding how anxiety can manipulate your loved one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can help you defuse tense situations.
Coping can be difficult, not just for your partner but for you. The two of you must work as a team to work out anxiety-induced kinks in your relationship.
Anxiety is a feeling of worry or unease about a situation. We all feel anxious at times, and we all worry. These feelings can sometimes become so intense and overwhelming that they consume your daily life and your energy—mentally, physically, and emotionally.
“Anxiety doesn’t live in a vacuum,” says Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D., director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in Farmington Hills, Michigan. “Even in the most loving relationships, if one partner has anxiety, it can really strain the relationship and dampen the trust and the intimacy, and it can make for frustration when neither gets their needs met.”
One review described how anxiety can play out in a relationship. The authors culled related studies from 1990 to 2017 using search terms such as “anxiety disorders,” “marital problems,” and “family functioning.
They concluded that the link between anxiety disorders and family relationships is “bidirectional.” Having an anxiety disorder can sour your relationship with your partner. Your partner’s attitude toward you can also significantly affect your anxiety. Treating anxiety as your partner’s problem only goes so far. It can smother your partnership if you let issues fester.
It can feel as if the two of you are speaking different languages, and you are, in fact. You speak “logic,” and your anxious partner speaks “emotion.” No wonder there’s a communication breakdown. “It’s like you’re lost in translation,” said Daitch.
Anxiety is the anticipation of a future threat, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). It’s a reaction to our emotions.
A key feature of anxiety is avoidance. Unless you are both on the same page, it can cause a rift in your relationship.
It may not seem like a big deal to you, but certain tasks can be too much to handle for them. Your partner with anxiety may never chip in certain situations because doing so involves the thing that triggers anxiety.
Anxiety can be exhausting, but it might be an excuse if your loved one is always “too tired” to go out. People with social anxiety worry they will “do something embarrassing,” says Jeremy Tyler, PsyD, an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania’s Perelman School of Medicine. They may skip outings that may make them uncomfortable to avoid looking foolish.
If your partner seems tense, it may be because that’s how they physically feel. “A lot of people feel their anxiety in their gut or their chest or their neck,” said Daitch.
Panic attacks can be particularly frightening. The physical sensations sometimes mimic a heart attack. These symptoms are short-lived, with most panic attack symptoms peaking within minutes.
Give your partner space to acknowledge thoughts that triggered anxiety and time to take some deep breaths if you know they are not in any real danger. Your partner may also want to do some slow breathing, which reduces panic attack symptoms.
Your partner may get worked up about things, but do you really understand what they are dealing with? Let your partner know you want to hear their thoughts—no matter how scary.
“Some people just don’t disclose all the depths, all the scary parts, of their anxiety in detail to the person who, in theory, is closest to them,” said Tyler. “They’re trapped with their own anxiety.”
The last thing you should do is get worked up about it yourself when your partner is stressed out. “We actually mirror each other’s neurotransmitters,” said Daitch. Remaining calm and compassionate may prevent that anxious moment from boiling over.
Think of a time you’ve been anxious about something, and then multiply that by 10. That’s how your partner with anxiety feels.
Tapping into your own experience can help you empathize with your partner. “Just listen and connect because that’s going to open up all the communication,” said Tyler.
Your partner may feel ashamed of their anxiety. You can help your loved one by “supporting, but not enabling,” said Daitch. You can help them with tasks they find stressful instead of just doing them yourself.
Navigating when and how to help may be easier said than done. Knowing when to be patient and what to push your partner may take trial and error.
Everyone has anxious moments. When anxiety disrupts a person’s life and relationships, it’s time to seek help. It could be an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety is super treatable. Symptoms often resolve with therapy, medication, or a mix of both. It’s important to seek help instead of trying to tough symptoms out.
There’s only so much reassuring a person can do. At some point in therapy, Tyler will give the non-anxious spouse permission to “not talk to the anxiety.”
Together, they devise a plan. When the anxious spouse starts going down the rabbit hole of “what-ifs,” the partner can gently say, “Look, I’m not going to feed into it, and it’s not because I don’t care about you. It’s actually because I care so much about you.”
It can cause strain on your relationship if your partner has anxiety. This mental health condition can make communication, trust, and connection more difficult. Encourage your partner to seek help from a healthcare provider. You may also benefit from couples counseling.